Confessions of a Type A

Joy in the moment.

For the past few weeks, this has been a sort of resounding theme that I have tried to live by. I have been struck by the fact that there is so much that seems out of my control, that it’s hard to focus on anything but things that are uncontrollable. Life has this way of always showing me the things I can’t control most vividly and colorfully. It’s almost funny to think about; knowing how many things I have to be grateful for and thankful  for and at peace about, and yet the only things I can focus on are those out of my control?... Really?...

I have a few go-to’s when I’m feeling panicky about my life being out of control. I’m grateful that none of these are harmful addictions, though I wouldn’t necessarily recommend them at solutions. The first would be sleep. If I don’t like real life, then I just feel like sleeping so I don’t have to face reality. I control when I sleep, so I control when I get to experience reality… Yeah, that’s not messed up at all, but I can’t imagine that it’s uncommon. Another go-to would be violin. If I need to feel like I’m good and in charge of something, at least that’s something I feel I can manage and maybe even be good at.

Although these can be great go-to’s for a while, there’s only so much sleeping or violin-playing that I can (or want to) do. So, I’ve been exploring the other alternatives I have for those times when I feel that out-of-control panic.

Alternative # 1- Demand control.
For me, this is usually an only partly-conscious effort. Usually, it has to do with thinking of all of the ways that I am going to gain control over a situation. In order to make the situation controllable, there are often lots of factors to take into consideration and details to think about over and over and over and over. This must be done meticulously, and with great care taken to stress out about each factor a million times. Also, to-do lists and planners and reminders plugged into my phone are usually part of this control-demanding side of me. This one is so great. Hah.

Alternative #2- Be wildly out of control
I wish (at least partially) that I could take advantage of this alternative at least somewhat more often. But alas, I remain that “responsible little oldest child” more often than not. However, getting away from home and doing fun things as to not think about the future too much has been in order more than once this year. ;)

Alternative #3- Take partial control
This option moves in a healthier direction. I may not be able to control the weather, what you think of me, or the stock market in Japan. I can, however, control some things that need controlled. Grades, health, thoughts= all worth taking partial control of. But the balance as to what control should be taken and when?... Yeah, I haven’t quite mastered that. My most recent attempt at this balance has been to simply ask myself what I should think about today. If it doesn’t affect me today, then I really can’t control it anyways, and should let it go. That line in the “Prayer of Serenity” about having the “wisdom to know the difference” (that is, between the things that can or cannot be changed) comes back into my mind occasionally, as if to haunt me. It’s easy to like extremes, so taking control of certain things and letting others go doesn’t always work in my mind as a solution to my problem.
When I think about what Jesus did in times of chaos and stress, I think of Him sitting on a mountain praying. Getting away from everything and refocusing. So the other day, I turned off the music in my car and just let all of the noise in my head come out of my mouth in prayer. Yeah, I would recommend that one. Knowing Someone in control helps.

Well, now that I’ve given all you psychoanalysts a dispositional bias against me, (and letting the rest of you think I’m a little cray) I’m off to NOT plan my summer, or the rest of my life. =)

My Thoughts on Angst and Blogging

Well, after about two months of putting it off, I’m finally getting around to fulfilling one of my New Years’ resolutions—to actually post on the blog I’ve had for the past six months. There have been numerous times when I have actually written things to post, but either got interrupted, stopped caring, or just didn’t think my thoughts were complete enough to actually inflict them on the internet world.

However, I am proceeding in my blog-writing with some pretty significant inhibitions.

First of all, the reason for my blogging may or may not be coming from the idea that I simply feel like I have things to say. I’m really pretty afraid of the thought that I will look back in a few years and realize that all of the things I felt like I needed to voice for whatever reason, were either misguided or out of the pure need to release my words into the atmosphere in a more tangible form.

In thinking of a good way to describe this “need,” the term “young-adult angst” seems most appropriate. “Angst” can be described as “philosophical anxiety about the world in general or personal freedom” (American Heritage New Dictionary). I feel as if I (unfortunately) still possess that college-kid desire to say things for the shock-and-awe response. I wish I could settle down and just say what I actually mean, but what’s the fun in taking things from a level-headed, balanced approach?... (Aw shoot, there’s that college-kid attitude... I'm... Mostly kidding... ;] )

Another reason I have put off blogging in the past is because although I do have a desire to release information into the world, let’s be real- I don’t know who will be reading this. I don’t really expect anyone to read it. I don’t know that I would read it if I were my own best friend. However, I haven’t decided if this is hindering me from blogging, or inspiring, in the fact that it will be available for whoever wants to read it- but I don’t have to worry about pleasing anyone.

However, another aspect to that is the fact that I tend to have some strong-ish opinions. In real life, talking to most people, I probably water-down my opinions enough to be socially sensitive. To anyone who reads my blog: I may or may not know how to be socially sensitive over the internet. Whether or not I’m being “angst-y” or not, whether I have any readers or not, I just don’t want anyone to hate me. So if you happen to read my blog, and I happen to be offensive… I guess that’s the risk I take.

Finally, my last-but-not-least apprehension has been the fact that although I can have plenty to say, I don’t really know that I have much in the way of new or “better” information than the next random angsty blogger. I’m not an expert in much. I don’t know I’ll be thematic in my postings, or if I’ll just write whatever just happens to be on my mind. Ehh, probably the latter.

So there you are, all of the reasons why to or not to blog as a young, independently anxious individual.

Here goes something.

angst. (n.d.). The American Heritage® New Dictionary of Cultural Literacy, Third Edition. Retrieved February 19, 2012, from Dictionary.com website: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/angst